Scattered Thoughts

You are an enigma.
A place where beauty breaks and time collapses.

No one can understand.
How You love me, love this, love that, love humanity.

My mind is throbbing.
The more I know, the more I want.
The more I don’t get.

There is no end to You.
And in One Name is forever.
There is no end with You.
In Your Name, my forever .

And there is this desperation to be with You.
There is a passion to live for You.

And while I live there is death in this story.

The death that made me new.
Gave me a second chance.

It makes me different from the parts of myself I don’t know to my innermost thoughts of You.

The death that paid for me.

And now that I’m bought what do You want?
To die to myself?
Really?

To find myself I must lose it?
To be myself I must be You?
To live I must die?

There is no end to You.
And in One Name is forever.
There is no end with You.
In Your Name, my forever .

To find myself I must lose it.

To be myself I must be You.

To live I must die.

Week of E ‘10: Providence, RI

Dear Friends and Family,

I’m writing you guys this note about the Week of E trip I am going to be taking this spring. For those of you that don’t know (although I imagine most of you do know) here at Lincoln Christian University we are required to go on a short term missions trip every spring while we are students here.

This year I am going to Providence, RI to work with Northpointe Christian Church (YES, the very same one that our beloved Jordan and Sammy Plumier are a part of, for those of you who know them). From what I know about our trip the small group of us, 4 to be exact plus Ed, will be helping Northpointe get ready for their first Easter service…and by helping we mean doing whatever they need us to do.

Some of you might not know, but I absolutely LOVE New England. I love the culture, the people, and what the Church looks like there. Especially as I’ve been living in the Midwest for the past couple of months, it amazes me how many people just don’t know who Jesus is, but the radical life change that can take place despite the unfamiliarity of this whole “Christianity stuff” completely inspires me. So I’m PUMPED to be able to be a part of a church that will be real hope to the people in Rhode Island.

Now, I bet you’ve been getting really antsy reading this, waiting for the portion where I ask you for things, and so here it is, you’ve arrived! Here’s the thing though…I’m not asking you guys for money.

Recently, I’ve been feeling really convicted about learning to trust God with my plans and how I carry them out. I’m going to admit it, I’m kind of a worry wart sometimes because I’m so Type A – I need to have things planned! …So finances, they stress me out. One of the professors at my school really hit me in the face though with some real truth. He said, “What do you think? God CAN’T MAKE more money? You don’t think He can make more gold? You don’t think He can provide for you to go somewhere if that’s where He wants you?” So I’ve been learning more and more that “No Lord” cannot be in my vocabulary…because honestly, it doesn’t even make sense!

So if you feel like Jesus is calling you to donate to my trip, awesome, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m not even going to tell you the cost. I’m seriously trying to practically apply what I’ve been learning and become disciplined in trusting in God as Provider.

What I do want is your prayers. Since I don’t know exactly what we are doing there right now, although I’m open to anything, I don’t exactly know how to prepare my heart, mind, and spirit. Would you all pray with me that God shapes me to be more like Him and into what He needs me to be for this trip? Would you pray with me that I would make faith a real virtue in my life? Would you pray that I would serve effectively? Would you pray that I would hope dangerously and love boldly?

I’m writing to you, friends and family from home and friends from school, because I really don’t want your money. But all of you can give me your prayers, and that is what I really want.

If you would join me in my journey towards Rhode Island I would more than greatly appreciate it. I love the way you all have been a part of my story (some of you have been in it longer than others), and as Jesus continues to help me write it I sincerely hope that you will each continue to be a part of it. Thank you for what you each have done for me and how you’ve pulled me closer to Christ. I pray that you would continue to pray with me, dream with me, hope with me, and love with me.

Much love and in Him,
Christine

Semester 1 Almost Done

It’s true! Semester one is almost over…completely crazy. In 12 days I will be returning to the place I call home, and I am beyond excited. So the end is near, and while this first section of college life comes to a close I am open and excited for the beginnings to start flowing.

It is insane that Christmas time is already here. Last night was opening night for Christmas In The Chapel: Forever In Evergreen. So one down and six more shows to go. My room is lit and I have my “CHRISTMAS TIME” playlist going almost every minute on my iHome. If it’s difficult to figure it out (sarcasm) I’ll just say it…I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME.

I love so much about this time of the year. I mean first of all it’s absolutely beautiful. People go crazy with the creepy Santa Clause blow ups and reindeer on their houses…but generally, it’s an aesthetically pleasing time of the year. I’m also going to be honest and say who doesn’t love the gift giving? I have to admit though there is so much going on sometimes it is easy to become wrapped up in the superficiality of the Christmas season, but when I get my head back on right it’s also hard to forget what this time is all about.

Jesus, the Christ child, Son of God, Son of Man.

Almost one semester under my belt of some good theology, and I’m going to say that even though some people might find it boring I love it. Seeing what I knew 3 months ago, I am amazed at how much my perspective and knowledge have been expanded about our God and His Word.

So as I come to this time of year, my favorite, I think I love it just a little bit more this time around. God in all His goodness never had to reveal Himself to us. I mean it’s not in His nature to submit, surrender, and be obedient…He’s God. God doesn’t do that. Yet, He desired us, me, YOU, so much that He found a way to do that. Why would anyone ever want anything that much? I think it’s because God in His perfect knowledge sees each of us in our greatest time of need, our moment of complete desperation (whether we’ve reached that point or not), and looks past the external misery. He sees that in the end what we desire is to be completely whole, and nothing in this world can ever fill the emptiness.

He created us, and He created us for eternity, and we’ve fallen short of this purpose. We were not made for this world, so our deepest longings point straight to Heaven and to the God of eternity. And I’ve been thinking a lot about how there’s absolutely no way we could ever make it. We can never fix what we’ve broken. So He made a way. He gave us The Way. To me, that’s worth celebrating!

Jesus, in all His splendor, came to be born humbly in a manger. What can I give Him? Everything I have, but in all reality everything I have is nothing, and, as C.S. Lewis says, “Christ offers something for nothing: He even offers everything for nothing.” So as Christmas approaches I am ecstatic to celebrate the God who gave me everything through a baby in Bethlehem 2000 years ago. It is the most wonderful time of the year!

What Does It Even Look Like?

Again, it’s been a while. I tend to leave long gaps between updates. Gotta work on that.

These past few weeks I’ve been struggling with the idea of surrendering my everything. Not because I don’t want to, but because my mind can’t even begin to comprehend what that looks like.

There seems to be a trend with transition. I think it’s best called “up & down”…as in with each passing day you go up and you go down…maybe even in midst of the day. Transition make life very unstable…it’s like standing on shaky ground…all the time. You never know what will happen next. That’s kind of how it’s been for me in the last 12 weeks I’ve been here in Lincoln.  I’ve had some great days, some sweet revelations from God, and some extremely poor days where I kind of want to curl up into a ball and just do nothing for forever.

But I think for all of us we get to this place in transition where we just don’t want to do it anymore. The thoughts have crossed my mind many times:

I just want it to stop.
I would like to rest now.
Is there nothing consistent?
Where do I go, what do I do, why am I here?

And it’s in the moments where I have felt the most broken that I realize that the biggest questions, the ones whose answers make me me, all come to the same answer, the very same conclusion. Jesus. Yes, sounds incredibly Sunday schoolish, but I mean really.

The place of rest. Creator of the universe in flesh. Lover of my soul. Knows me more than I know myself. Love. Solid ground.

All the things I desire in one spot. Amazing.

And I realize while I’m asking all these questions I have been asked one in return. Just one…will you follow?

And I believe I answered “yes”. I answered “yes” July 4, 1999 when I took the plunge in a white robe, in the baptismal of West Side Christian Church in Springfield, IL. Is that it?

I’ve been thinking…and I think the answer to that is “no”. I have been learning while here in Lincoln that “yes” is everyday. And “yes” does not mean “yes to this and no to this”…it means YES to everything. Absolutely everything.

And so I’ve been practicing. I think it’s helping. I don’t really know what it looks like to fully surrender, but I’ve been taking these baby steps. In the morning, when I go to practice piano before I start the metronome or lay my hands on the keys I pray. Out loud. And this has been the conclusion of my prayers for the last 9 weeks or so…

So, God, this day…is for You. And so is every other day. But right now, in this moment, today, I give You me. Let me reflect You in all that I do, say, think, and desire. Let me reflect You. Because I want You more than anything else because You wanted me first. So You deserve this day, and I give it You willingly. I love You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Fall Break

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other.  It is the place of confidence.  It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts.  It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. -Frederick W. Robertson

It was unreal to be able to go home if even for a couple of days. I definitely needed some time for my soul to be refreshed, my heart to be refilled, and my sight of God’s vision to be restored.

Thursday, I was able to surprise so many of my friends my age at the Reynolds’, and catch up with Kevin and Sonciary, who are so dear to me. Friday, I got to spend some time in the morning with sweet Emily, celebrate Jess’s birthday with her, and hang out with my two favorite boys, Noah and Hayden. Saturday, I got to have lunch with my family and celebrate Jess’s birthday at a surprise party with a lot of great friends. Sunday, definitely a revitalizer, an inspiring and fun morning playing as a part of the band for the kick off of the new “Purpose Driven Life” series, lunch with Michele, and Christmas programming as well as being able to lead worship at Fusion with Johnny and see him teach, and got to see Chad and Steph. Monday, a blessed day at MCC with a programming meeting, grabbing lunch with Jen, and just hanging around the church.

I know I missed being in New Hampshire, but I never realized how much until I got back. I’ve missed everything about being home. From the little things of New England culture like the gorgeous colors of fall, trees in general, and even the aggressive (but fast) drivers and people that don’t make eye contact with you if they don’t know you…to the big things, like an amazing church family, artists who inspire me, and people I love to spend time with. I love being able to come back and see familiar faces of people that know me so well.

As I’ve come back to school I am more thankful as I reflect on my time with you guys. I am glad to see that things do change (even though sometimes it’s difficult) because God’s story is always moving. I think Paul put it well when he was writing to the Philippians…

“So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart.” (Philippians 1:7)

Now That I’m An Adult…

This past Sunday I became “legal”…so meaningless when you’re attending Lincoln Christian University…and I rather like it that way.

That morning I went to Tower Hill, IL (an hour and a half away) with my friend, Katlyn, to lead worship…at what I was told “a nice service outside”…well it was at a carnival. No lie. I led worship at a carnival for the town fair.  Not normal. So of course it would happen to me.

I came back from that and did homework a long time in my room and then had a party at the Plumiers’ (who are AWESOME to me) and overstuffed myself, and came back to the school where some of the other kids here threw me another party with a burger cake. Overall, a pretty good day.

But if I have to be honest a lot of that (other than the time spent at the Plumiers) was pretty much incomparable to how you, my friends in New Hampshire, celebrated my birthday with me. Seriously, SO MUCH Facebook love and SO GOOD for my heart.

The minute I saw the video of all you guys from church though…I lost it. It was amazing to see and hear from you guys, like the craziest mixture of sad, happy, and longing I’ve ever experienced. I just wanted to thank you guys for thinking of and celebrating with me though. Times here haven’t been the easiest lately, but I’m confident that God is right beside me. Love you all.

Oh Vision Sunday…Where Am I??

Today was Vision Sunday 2009 at MCC, and I am in Lincoln, IL. No, don’t get me wrong, I love school and I love my friends here, and I am beyond thankful for how God has blessed me. In fact, whenever I want to complain I am so reminded of how education is such a privilege and most of our world thirsts for it…who am I to complain?

This week has been so tiring! I have now added on another course, and am doing it online…it’s IDS: Intro To Worldviews. I’m already loving the reading…I feel like there is so much I don’t know, and am excited for God to increase my capacity to love people as I learn more about how people different from me think. It’s hard to sit down and watch the 40 minutes videos though.

Back to this Sunday, I miss New Hampshire so much. Especially on days like today. What makes my heart beat fast? The vision of MCC…I’m not joking. When I read it I can feel myself getting excited. It’s so weird being such a different culture out here. What I love about New England as that people don’t know about Jesus, and we have the opportunity to share with them who He is for the very first time. Out here, everyone at least knows about Jesus, and it’s more about getting the congregation to want to do more than just attend church every Sunday. I think that that’s definitely so awesome!  Still, my heart is geared towards New England…I can’t help it, I am so passionate about what Jesus has for His people out there.

This morning I got to play for Lincoln Christian Church. It was good for me to be able to jump in and get involved somewhere so quickly (seriously, I’ve been to this church once before today!), and it made it easier to be away from such a spectacular morning out there. One thing that I am learning while out here is that God deserves my worship and will be worshiped whether I feel like it or not – whether the sound mix is good or not, whether I am feeling well or not, whether I am happy or sad – doesn’t matter, Jesus will be worshiped. So even when I am far away when I play I think much about you guys, and I think much about Rwanda. I love that we are all connected through our love for Christ Jesus.

So to you, anyone that is reading this that does not know about the vision that I am talking about, or even if you do know…let me share with you what I am essentially all about.

There are almost two hundred thousand people in the greater Manchester area who are in desperate need of the life-saving grace of Jesus Christ. Our vision is to partner with God to be a church who makes an eternal difference in their lives. Our dream is to be a community of ordinary people on a journey of transformation together; a community learning to love God and to love people – not just people in Manchester, but people throughout New England and beyond; a community sharing the unchanging love of Jesus in culturally relevant ways to a changing world.

We see Sunday gatherings in multiple locations which compel us to invite others to share our joy. They will be so full of energy, so compelling, and so positive that all of our members will invite friends and relatives who do not know Jesus to come and experience what God is doing. We will use the arts to communicate in ways that are dynamic, creative, fun and challenging. People will not only listen to the message, but will apply it to their lives that very day. We will be surrounded by evidence that the Word is alive and relevant and powerful. God will have our best as we relentlessly pursue excellence in all facets of our Sunday gatherings.

We see a church that loves people because we love God. We believe that small groups are essential for a growing church to care for one another. We will continuously provide opportunities for people in the large Sunday morning group to naturally come together in small groups. These small groups will be a place where we share our struggles and successes, hopes and fears, pain and joy. We will hear stories of life change, as stagnation changes to motivation, fatigue changes to excitement, and resigned doubt turns into earnest searching.

We see a church vibrant and alive with personal spiritual growth in an environment that welcomes honest questions. We dream of a church made up of children, students, adults, and families excited about the power of God’s love in their everyday lives. Each year, we see hundreds of people making a commitment to Christ and celebrating that with baptism. We want to be a place where a stagnant relationship with God is the unacceptable exception, and spiritual growth is the exciting norm. We see a church where families grow in their love for one another and their love for God. We will celebrate when broken relationships are restored and adults, students, and children find God’s unique purpose for their lives. We will help people to identify, understand and use their spiritual gifts so they can find joy as they bring glory to God by serving in ministry.

We see God using us to change New England and to change the world. We will make it our life mission to love God and to love our neighbors. Through our everyday lives, we will assist those around us to become followers of Christ. We will offer encouragement and prayer for the leaders of regional churches. We will lead out in establishing long healthy relationships with regional churches, meeting regularly to encourage and pray together. Our small groups will work together to promote PEACE by promoting reconciliation, equipping servant leaders, assisting the poor, caring for the sick, and educating the next generation. We will empower and equip every member to reach out locally, nationally, and across the globe to share the good news of Jesus Christ with all people.

We see a church that is constantly seeking God to turn this vision into reality.

Kentucky!

This weekend I’ve been in La Grange, Kentucky…right outside of Louisville. One of my really good friends at Lincoln, named Katlyn, is from here…so I (as well as two of my other friends Ethan and JT) came home with her this weekend.

It has been a blast getting to just hang out and not worry (as much) about school stuff away from Lincoln. Love it there, but the cornfields can be a bit much…

I am doing well, really exhausted, but God has continued to bless me in my friendships and schoolwork. I started my piano lessons this past Thursday with Sue Jones, and I thought I would hate practicing…but I have really had some of my best moments with Jesus alone in that small practice room at 7:30 in the morning.

These past couple of days I have been just physically tired, but it’s made me so much more thankful for my friends back home. You guys humble me in your dedication to encouraging me, to loving me, and to praying for me. I miss you guys especially on Sundays, but I think and pray for you all often. It makes me so happy thinking about how God is using you to change the face of New England! I am proud to be able to say that I am connected to what happens out there. Fo reals.

I am counting down the days until my feet hit New Hampshire’s frozen ground.

If you want to pray for me, pray that I would continue to strive for excellence and give God (and God alone) my very best. Please pray that I would continue to stay motivated in doing my homework and practicing. Also, if you would pray that I would make sure I spend time with Jesus outside of my homework assignments that would be awesome. Please know that I love you all very much.

I’m In College!

Just wanted to update you guys on college life briefly here in Lincoln, IL. Freshman orientation is finally over and that is a good thing because it was TIRING.

I miss New Hampshire a lot, but God has been totally faithful to me. It’s become very clear to me that I am in the right place at the right time and that He is going to continue to fill me up as I move toward His purpose for my life.

I’ve met some really great people here! I’m excited to see how God will change, shape, and refine my heart to be more like His with the people I am surrounded by. It is obvious to me that some of these friendships are so a part of His plan, and I am blown away with His faithfulness, goodness, and strength in the midst of my weakness and sorrow.

If you would pray with me that my relationships would continue to grow and strengthen, and that I would “plant deep roots” here, in the words of John Cassetto, that would be awesome. Also pray that God would continue to break me and humble me until I am someone who is completely His, and His alone.

Love and miss you all!

Good Bye New Hampshire…

So here it is…a day I’ve been kind of anticipating, kind of dreading, kind of confused about for the past couple of weeks. Tonight (around 11-12) I will be on my way, driving out to Lincoln, IL.

Last night I was just thinking about how when my parents told me I was moving to New Hampshire in 4th grade (ironically from Illinois) it was the worst day of my life. I cried, fussed, and just knew this could never be a good thing. Boy, was I wrong. Mostly as I have thought more and more about my 8 years in New Hampshire these past few days, I can just really see that it has been and still is a good thing AND a God thing.

I go off believing that God has created us to be in relationships with one another, that we truly are better together. I am certain of that as I leave so many dear friends behind. People who have moved me, changed me, taught me, inspired me, and loved me. I am positive that as I move ahead that the friends I have here in New Hampshire will continue to do all these things, and for that I am so grateful.

I am also so confident that the Church is the hope of the world. As I leave this place for a little while, a place that instilled this notion in me so deeply, I am going to pursue this idea with all that I have. Thinking that God has called me to be a part of His Church I will discover for myself how to bring hope to people on a personal level, a local level, and a global level.

My journey has been unique. God has taught me much about the need for me to be all in on His plans and not mine. I have learned about grace, excellence, hope, and love. These are things that I will bring with me wherever I go.

I have many people to thank, and that in itself is a blessing. As I have learned at MCC and because of MCC I have been blessed to be a blessing.

I am grateful for all your support and love. I will miss you all more than words could ever express. I will be thinking about, praying for, and connecting with you guys regularly. I can’t wait to come back in December and see you all again.

Lincoln might not know what hit ‘em.

Hope to make you all proud.