What Does It Even Look Like?

Again, it’s been a while. I tend to leave long gaps between updates. Gotta work on that.

These past few weeks I’ve been struggling with the idea of surrendering my everything. Not because I don’t want to, but because my mind can’t even begin to comprehend what that looks like.

There seems to be a trend with transition. I think it’s best called “up & down”…as in with each passing day you go up and you go down…maybe even in midst of the day. Transition make life very unstable…it’s like standing on shaky ground…all the time. You never know what will happen next. That’s kind of how it’s been for me in the last 12 weeks I’ve been here in Lincoln.  I’ve had some great days, some sweet revelations from God, and some extremely poor days where I kind of want to curl up into a ball and just do nothing for forever.

But I think for all of us we get to this place in transition where we just don’t want to do it anymore. The thoughts have crossed my mind many times:

I just want it to stop.
I would like to rest now.
Is there nothing consistent?
Where do I go, what do I do, why am I here?

And it’s in the moments where I have felt the most broken that I realize that the biggest questions, the ones whose answers make me me, all come to the same answer, the very same conclusion. Jesus. Yes, sounds incredibly Sunday schoolish, but I mean really.

The place of rest. Creator of the universe in flesh. Lover of my soul. Knows me more than I know myself. Love. Solid ground.

All the things I desire in one spot. Amazing.

And I realize while I’m asking all these questions I have been asked one in return. Just one…will you follow?

And I believe I answered “yes”. I answered “yes” July 4, 1999 when I took the plunge in a white robe, in the baptismal of West Side Christian Church in Springfield, IL. Is that it?

I’ve been thinking…and I think the answer to that is “no”. I have been learning while here in Lincoln that “yes” is everyday. And “yes” does not mean “yes to this and no to this”…it means YES to everything. Absolutely everything.

And so I’ve been practicing. I think it’s helping. I don’t really know what it looks like to fully surrender, but I’ve been taking these baby steps. In the morning, when I go to practice piano before I start the metronome or lay my hands on the keys I pray. Out loud. And this has been the conclusion of my prayers for the last 9 weeks or so…

So, God, this day…is for You. And so is every other day. But right now, in this moment, today, I give You me. Let me reflect You in all that I do, say, think, and desire. Let me reflect You. Because I want You more than anything else because You wanted me first. So You deserve this day, and I give it You willingly. I love You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Fall Break

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other.  It is the place of confidence.  It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts.  It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. -Frederick W. Robertson

It was unreal to be able to go home if even for a couple of days. I definitely needed some time for my soul to be refreshed, my heart to be refilled, and my sight of God’s vision to be restored.

Thursday, I was able to surprise so many of my friends my age at the Reynolds’, and catch up with Kevin and Sonciary, who are so dear to me. Friday, I got to spend some time in the morning with sweet Emily, celebrate Jess’s birthday with her, and hang out with my two favorite boys, Noah and Hayden. Saturday, I got to have lunch with my family and celebrate Jess’s birthday at a surprise party with a lot of great friends. Sunday, definitely a revitalizer, an inspiring and fun morning playing as a part of the band for the kick off of the new “Purpose Driven Life” series, lunch with Michele, and Christmas programming as well as being able to lead worship at Fusion with Johnny and see him teach, and got to see Chad and Steph. Monday, a blessed day at MCC with a programming meeting, grabbing lunch with Jen, and just hanging around the church.

I know I missed being in New Hampshire, but I never realized how much until I got back. I’ve missed everything about being home. From the little things of New England culture like the gorgeous colors of fall, trees in general, and even the aggressive (but fast) drivers and people that don’t make eye contact with you if they don’t know you…to the big things, like an amazing church family, artists who inspire me, and people I love to spend time with. I love being able to come back and see familiar faces of people that know me so well.

As I’ve come back to school I am more thankful as I reflect on my time with you guys. I am glad to see that things do change (even though sometimes it’s difficult) because God’s story is always moving. I think Paul put it well when he was writing to the Philippians…

“So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart.” (Philippians 1:7)

Now That I’m An Adult…

This past Sunday I became “legal”…so meaningless when you’re attending Lincoln Christian University…and I rather like it that way.

That morning I went to Tower Hill, IL (an hour and a half away) with my friend, Katlyn, to lead worship…at what I was told “a nice service outside”…well it was at a carnival. No lie. I led worship at a carnival for the town fair.  Not normal. So of course it would happen to me.

I came back from that and did homework a long time in my room and then had a party at the Plumiers’ (who are AWESOME to me) and overstuffed myself, and came back to the school where some of the other kids here threw me another party with a burger cake. Overall, a pretty good day.

But if I have to be honest a lot of that (other than the time spent at the Plumiers) was pretty much incomparable to how you, my friends in New Hampshire, celebrated my birthday with me. Seriously, SO MUCH Facebook love and SO GOOD for my heart.

The minute I saw the video of all you guys from church though…I lost it. It was amazing to see and hear from you guys, like the craziest mixture of sad, happy, and longing I’ve ever experienced. I just wanted to thank you guys for thinking of and celebrating with me though. Times here haven’t been the easiest lately, but I’m confident that God is right beside me. Love you all.

Oh Vision Sunday…Where Am I??

Today was Vision Sunday 2009 at MCC, and I am in Lincoln, IL. No, don’t get me wrong, I love school and I love my friends here, and I am beyond thankful for how God has blessed me. In fact, whenever I want to complain I am so reminded of how education is such a privilege and most of our world thirsts for it…who am I to complain?

This week has been so tiring! I have now added on another course, and am doing it online…it’s IDS: Intro To Worldviews. I’m already loving the reading…I feel like there is so much I don’t know, and am excited for God to increase my capacity to love people as I learn more about how people different from me think. It’s hard to sit down and watch the 40 minutes videos though.

Back to this Sunday, I miss New Hampshire so much. Especially on days like today. What makes my heart beat fast? The vision of MCC…I’m not joking. When I read it I can feel myself getting excited. It’s so weird being such a different culture out here. What I love about New England as that people don’t know about Jesus, and we have the opportunity to share with them who He is for the very first time. Out here, everyone at least knows about Jesus, and it’s more about getting the congregation to want to do more than just attend church every Sunday. I think that that’s definitely so awesome!  Still, my heart is geared towards New England…I can’t help it, I am so passionate about what Jesus has for His people out there.

This morning I got to play for Lincoln Christian Church. It was good for me to be able to jump in and get involved somewhere so quickly (seriously, I’ve been to this church once before today!), and it made it easier to be away from such a spectacular morning out there. One thing that I am learning while out here is that God deserves my worship and will be worshiped whether I feel like it or not – whether the sound mix is good or not, whether I am feeling well or not, whether I am happy or sad – doesn’t matter, Jesus will be worshiped. So even when I am far away when I play I think much about you guys, and I think much about Rwanda. I love that we are all connected through our love for Christ Jesus.

So to you, anyone that is reading this that does not know about the vision that I am talking about, or even if you do know…let me share with you what I am essentially all about.

There are almost two hundred thousand people in the greater Manchester area who are in desperate need of the life-saving grace of Jesus Christ. Our vision is to partner with God to be a church who makes an eternal difference in their lives. Our dream is to be a community of ordinary people on a journey of transformation together; a community learning to love God and to love people – not just people in Manchester, but people throughout New England and beyond; a community sharing the unchanging love of Jesus in culturally relevant ways to a changing world.

We see Sunday gatherings in multiple locations which compel us to invite others to share our joy. They will be so full of energy, so compelling, and so positive that all of our members will invite friends and relatives who do not know Jesus to come and experience what God is doing. We will use the arts to communicate in ways that are dynamic, creative, fun and challenging. People will not only listen to the message, but will apply it to their lives that very day. We will be surrounded by evidence that the Word is alive and relevant and powerful. God will have our best as we relentlessly pursue excellence in all facets of our Sunday gatherings.

We see a church that loves people because we love God. We believe that small groups are essential for a growing church to care for one another. We will continuously provide opportunities for people in the large Sunday morning group to naturally come together in small groups. These small groups will be a place where we share our struggles and successes, hopes and fears, pain and joy. We will hear stories of life change, as stagnation changes to motivation, fatigue changes to excitement, and resigned doubt turns into earnest searching.

We see a church vibrant and alive with personal spiritual growth in an environment that welcomes honest questions. We dream of a church made up of children, students, adults, and families excited about the power of God’s love in their everyday lives. Each year, we see hundreds of people making a commitment to Christ and celebrating that with baptism. We want to be a place where a stagnant relationship with God is the unacceptable exception, and spiritual growth is the exciting norm. We see a church where families grow in their love for one another and their love for God. We will celebrate when broken relationships are restored and adults, students, and children find God’s unique purpose for their lives. We will help people to identify, understand and use their spiritual gifts so they can find joy as they bring glory to God by serving in ministry.

We see God using us to change New England and to change the world. We will make it our life mission to love God and to love our neighbors. Through our everyday lives, we will assist those around us to become followers of Christ. We will offer encouragement and prayer for the leaders of regional churches. We will lead out in establishing long healthy relationships with regional churches, meeting regularly to encourage and pray together. Our small groups will work together to promote PEACE by promoting reconciliation, equipping servant leaders, assisting the poor, caring for the sick, and educating the next generation. We will empower and equip every member to reach out locally, nationally, and across the globe to share the good news of Jesus Christ with all people.

We see a church that is constantly seeking God to turn this vision into reality.

Kentucky!

This weekend I’ve been in La Grange, Kentucky…right outside of Louisville. One of my really good friends at Lincoln, named Katlyn, is from here…so I (as well as two of my other friends Ethan and JT) came home with her this weekend.

It has been a blast getting to just hang out and not worry (as much) about school stuff away from Lincoln. Love it there, but the cornfields can be a bit much…

I am doing well, really exhausted, but God has continued to bless me in my friendships and schoolwork. I started my piano lessons this past Thursday with Sue Jones, and I thought I would hate practicing…but I have really had some of my best moments with Jesus alone in that small practice room at 7:30 in the morning.

These past couple of days I have been just physically tired, but it’s made me so much more thankful for my friends back home. You guys humble me in your dedication to encouraging me, to loving me, and to praying for me. I miss you guys especially on Sundays, but I think and pray for you all often. It makes me so happy thinking about how God is using you to change the face of New England! I am proud to be able to say that I am connected to what happens out there. Fo reals.

I am counting down the days until my feet hit New Hampshire’s frozen ground.

If you want to pray for me, pray that I would continue to strive for excellence and give God (and God alone) my very best. Please pray that I would continue to stay motivated in doing my homework and practicing. Also, if you would pray that I would make sure I spend time with Jesus outside of my homework assignments that would be awesome. Please know that I love you all very much.

I’m In College!

Just wanted to update you guys on college life briefly here in Lincoln, IL. Freshman orientation is finally over and that is a good thing because it was TIRING.

I miss New Hampshire a lot, but God has been totally faithful to me. It’s become very clear to me that I am in the right place at the right time and that He is going to continue to fill me up as I move toward His purpose for my life.

I’ve met some really great people here! I’m excited to see how God will change, shape, and refine my heart to be more like His with the people I am surrounded by. It is obvious to me that some of these friendships are so a part of His plan, and I am blown away with His faithfulness, goodness, and strength in the midst of my weakness and sorrow.

If you would pray with me that my relationships would continue to grow and strengthen, and that I would “plant deep roots” here, in the words of John Cassetto, that would be awesome. Also pray that God would continue to break me and humble me until I am someone who is completely His, and His alone.

Love and miss you all!

Good Bye New Hampshire…

So here it is…a day I’ve been kind of anticipating, kind of dreading, kind of confused about for the past couple of weeks. Tonight (around 11-12) I will be on my way, driving out to Lincoln, IL.

Last night I was just thinking about how when my parents told me I was moving to New Hampshire in 4th grade (ironically from Illinois) it was the worst day of my life. I cried, fussed, and just knew this could never be a good thing. Boy, was I wrong. Mostly as I have thought more and more about my 8 years in New Hampshire these past few days, I can just really see that it has been and still is a good thing AND a God thing.

I go off believing that God has created us to be in relationships with one another, that we truly are better together. I am certain of that as I leave so many dear friends behind. People who have moved me, changed me, taught me, inspired me, and loved me. I am positive that as I move ahead that the friends I have here in New Hampshire will continue to do all these things, and for that I am so grateful.

I am also so confident that the Church is the hope of the world. As I leave this place for a little while, a place that instilled this notion in me so deeply, I am going to pursue this idea with all that I have. Thinking that God has called me to be a part of His Church I will discover for myself how to bring hope to people on a personal level, a local level, and a global level.

My journey has been unique. God has taught me much about the need for me to be all in on His plans and not mine. I have learned about grace, excellence, hope, and love. These are things that I will bring with me wherever I go.

I have many people to thank, and that in itself is a blessing. As I have learned at MCC and because of MCC I have been blessed to be a blessing.

I am grateful for all your support and love. I will miss you all more than words could ever express. I will be thinking about, praying for, and connecting with you guys regularly. I can’t wait to come back in December and see you all again.

Lincoln might not know what hit ‘em.

Hope to make you all proud.

So…

It has been a while (yet again)…so I thought I’d update a little bit.

Pretty much done one very crazy summer. There have been some great moments, some not so great moments, some really tiring moments…okay, a lot of really tiring moments, but generally good stuff!

First of all, REALLY early Sunday morning 27 of my friends left for Rwanda, AFRICA. That’s legit. They are looking to do some really cool things like forming relationships with the people over there as well as learning a lot from them. All that they’re doing is associated with The P.E.A.C.E. Plan from Saddleback, but to find out more on them go to: http://manchesteronthemove.wordpress.com/

I will be at college in 11 days. Weird.

That’s really all that’s been happening in my mind since I got back from Workcamp, wedding, and middle school week. It’s been hard wrapping my mind around it. Mostly it’s hard leaving MCC behind; it’s just uncomfortable…but at the same time I know that Jesus did not call me to a lifestyle that is comfortable.

I am excited about a lot of things though. I am excited to learn more about Scripture, and to gain a better understanding of God’s Word. I’m also excited to see how God will grow my character in times of frustration, how He will humble me, and how He will fill me up as I take each small step forward.

Even though it’s somewhat depressing to be leaving a great community for a while, the sadness just brings about a great sense of thankfulness. I never thought that I would be surrounded by the people I am surrounded by. I definitely don’t deserve it, but I am amazed and humbled at how much God loves me and how I can see that through the people I spend my time with. Amazing!

Into The Craziness

Can’t believe summer’s pretty much over a third over. So insane. Life is moving really fast paced for me, so I just wanted to post on what I will be up to in the next couple of weeks.

God has blessed me with a lot of really cool opportunities this summer that I am super thankful for, but at the same time have my summer booked and sometimes I wish I had more time to just slow down and hang out with people. It’s living up to be one of my busiest, greatest, and hardest summers I have experienced yet. Just really getting ready for a huge transition to college, yes I am going to college at the end of August, and at Lincoln Christian College! Another one off to LCC…soon to be LCU!

I am really excited to go to school there, and discover what God has for me in the middle of the cornfields. It will definitely be different from home, and it will be hard to be away from a place and people I love. At the same time though I know God is going to challenge me in new ways, and strengthen my character and dependency on Him. I am confident that He will still surround me with His love wherever I am in the country.

So in these next couple weeks…TOMORROW I will be leaving for Workcamp for 2 weeks. The first week of Workcamp is July 12-18 and then the second week is July 19-25. In those two packed weeks I will be taking a little break from Workcamp and flying out to Illinois for 3 days, and what special event will I be venturing out to the cornfields for? EMILY AND BRADY’S WEDDING. I am really excited for them!!! So I will be out there July 17-19. The 26th I will be back home and the last week of July I will be a student leader for middle school’s FLIP, a community outreach week that’s based off of the 5 Purposes from Rick Warren’s A Purpose Driven Life and the P.E.A.C.E. Plan.

So yes, busy. But I am really excited to see how God will work in my life and the lives of others around me as I push through with the help of His strength…which I will need…I am already counting the hours of sleep I will not have. Great!

I Graduated…

Haven’t posted in forever, BUT it’s been almost a week since I graduated…official Central High School alum! We had our graduation ceremony at the Verizon Wireless Arena just like every year. It was definitely a morning to be remembered…caps and gowns, pictures to be taken, details that weren’t exactly clarified, loose shoes, and finally the actual graduation.

The best part wasn’t getting to be one of the first people to graduate (although that was nice or I would have been like next to last) or sitting on stage or even being officially done with high school. Those were all great, but THE BEST part was definitely having all my friends from MCC come out to support me.

Right as I walked out all their faces were there, and that is the image I’ll never forget. So thank you John, Stef, Noah, Hayden, Lisa, Michele, Jen, Kevin, Sonciary, Jess, Rachel, and Abby for making my graduation really something special!